Hey Ms Green!

In a recent column, you mentioned “sanitary alternatives” to toilet paper. What are they, and why aren’t we using them?

—Nick in Berkeley, California

Americans are hooked on toilet paper, as the pandemic has made clear. But is it our best option when nature comes calling? Spoiler: It’s not!

Scott was the first US company to sell toilet paper on a roll, in the 1890s. Scott used advertisements to convey it as a luxury item. That “luxury” now comes with a price: The toilet paper industry wipes out 27,000 trees a day worldwide (including centuries-old virgin trees), which contributes to our climate crisis. Last year, the Natural Resources Defense Council and Stand.earth released an Issue With Tissue report on the sustainability of toilet paper. Scott got a dismal D grade for using zero recycled material in its bath tissue (other leading brands like Charmin flunked).

Some health professionals say that bidets are more hygienic than toilet paper. Using one regularly has been shown to reduce hemorrhoids and urinary tract infections. And for people who have sensitive skin, a history of hair-follicle inflammation, skin irritation, or allergic reactions from chemicals in wipes or toilet paper, doctors recommend cleaning with water. Many people in Europe, the Middle East, Asia, and Latin America clean themselves with water, often with a portable or nonportable bidet, a “bum gun,” or what looks to me like the Big Dipper constellation (a cup with a long handle, called a tabò in Tagalog). 

You don’t need a freestanding bidet throne in your bathroom to get that oh-so-fresh feeling. There are handheld and built-in options as well. Or you can clean yourself with a squeeze bottle you may already have. Squeeze. Giggle. Do a little wiggle. Then pat dry with a tiny bit of toilet paper. The next time you see someone take a bottle into a public bathroom, give them a wink and a (physically distanced) air high five.